UNDERGROUND A&R REPORT

RED HEADED STINGRAY FROM HELL!

Delilah

Been a few years since I last saw Delilah. Time before last she'd left me hangin' on the backburner for two hours on a suspected date that never materialized. Then the last time she'd breezed through Famous Amos's country speakeasy laughing and running her hands through all the men's hair, then straight out the door into the frigid night. Like a flash of heaven fleeing before hungry eyes.

Delilah was better than decent loooking, with a slender body, long hair and cute face. Her nose was definitely of the honker variety, though one cannot fault a blemish on the face of creation. As I would soon see, while the snouzer was still of the mount rushmore variety, many other things had changed.

Ty-bo had hollered at me earlier in the day at the paki-waki, our local foreigned owned cash-n-dash. Said he had some gear he'd scored from homeland security he wanted to get readin' right and he'd make it worth my while if I did the deed. I told him I'd cruise by later and see what could be done. Everyone called him Ty-bo cause he'd get a few 40's in him, then be tryin' to kick box whispery demons in the pad. Usually he'd break a few valuables and his 'ol lady would put a halt to all that nonsense. I was thirsty so I was hopin' Ty-bo had the fridge stocked. Said the battle axe was at some convention, so I figured, yeah, it might be worth my while.

I'd gotten things hummin' at Ty-bo's about 10:30pm. He'd done worked up a sweat workin' the fists n feet, I told him to quit the shit, but he said Ali didn't have shit on 'im and kept on workin' out in front of the mirror wall. His daughter had her 21st b'day party party the night before, and she had a few fillies runnin' in and out the door, lots of laughin' and giggling goin' on. They'd stop at the hallway, put on the pout and cock the hips, and when I'd look they'd start laughing and stumble down the hall, boucin' off the walls.

"Ya'll quit that damn bullshit!" Ty-bo hollered.

"Damn", I said, looking up from the table covered with every type of electronic gear imaginable, "Sumptin' smellin' bright floatin in that window."

"G'dam hydro." Ty-bo growled in between boxing jabs. "Told her that shit was gonna rot 'er ass"

"Where's ours daddy-o?" I asked with as straight a face a possible.

"Shit. Fuck dat mother!" Ty-bo hollered as he executed a swing kick that'd make Norris proud. The giggles down the hall turned into hysterical laughter. Something heavy sounding boomed against the floor.

"A'rite bitches! Ya'll mess up the place I'm gonna wipe dat smile off ya silly ass face!" Ty-bo for once quit shadow boxin' and his look got hard.

"We love you daddy!" came the shout from down the hall, followed by hysterical laughter. Something boomed against the floor again. Whole house shook and the laughter reached a new pitch. In the distance I heard "Damn girl, git ya ass up!" Followed by peals of maddening laughter, and something that sounded like a hog chokin'. I figured, on just a hunch, that had something to do with the loud booms.

Ty-bo was back flingin' fists, sweat flyin'. "Damn Melinda done got big since Cheeta proposed marrin' dat bitch. Big as a fuckin' house I mean. Never seen a bitch eat so much. That's probably 'er fat ass rompin' the wood. Not a fuckin' thang left in tha fridge!"

"'Cept dem 40's" I countered.

"Damn straight! Girl knows better than to cross dat line son!" Ty-bo quit playin' Jackie Chan and went into the kitchen foyer to twist a top.

As I was getting ready to cruise, I spied a ice blue 65 Corvette Stingray slowing to a stop in the road. As I went to open my door I heard a "Woo-Hoo!"

"Who's dat bitch?" rang out Ty-bo from the porch.

"Don't know." I said. "But I like the wheels."

The 'vet backed up and slid in the driveway. No mistaking the flaming red hair behind the wheel. If I didn't know better I'd say it was Satan, but I would've only been so close. It was Delilah!

"What's up big boy" she giggled.

"Damn girl, where'd you get that car?" I said.

"Where'd you get that damn hair?!" Ty-bo chimed in.

"This bad ass ride is a present from a secret admirer! I thought that was your car!" Delilah laughed.

"Yeah" I said, "all 200,000 miles of her."

"Jumpin, let's ride" Delilah proposed.

"Damn son" I heard Ty-Bo say. "Better get 'wit it!"

I buckled and and we roared out of the driveway.

"Been a while." Delilah said.

"Yup. Certainly has." I answered as she punched it.

I could tell it was going to be a wild ride. Delilah twisting the gears, burning rubber off at each stop sign. Cigarette dangling from her lips. 8 inch spiked heel jamming down the gas. The 'vet was roarin'. Nascar didn't have shit on us as we hit I-75 and quickly passed 100 mph.

"Damn! Slow this mutherfucker down!" I yelled over the combination of wind and Guns & Roses' "Night Train" blasting over the stereo system.

Delilah giggled and pushed it harder. We got off at the Dalton exit in North Georgia so fast I thought we were gonna overshoot the ramp. At the red light as we turned right I asked her "where the hell are we going?"

"Some crack head motherfuckers bought some 18 inch tires from my yard sale and wrote me a bad check. I found out where they hang and we're gonna have words of prayer!"

OH SHIT I though "What does this have to do with me Delilah?"

"Brought you along as backup!" she said with a smirk and a giggle.

I just looked. I knew I was about to die over some tires.

And...." Delilah said. "A single man can come in handy in other ways." she said with an evil grin.

About then I noticed her chest. Delilah had been maybe a B, but she was definitely sportin' a big D now. She noticed I noticed.

"You like them" she said pulling away her shirt and exposing the mammory. A blind man would have stared. "Another gift from an admirer." About that time we crossed over lanes and almost hit someone head-on. Delilah jerked the wheel and the car careened over to our side of the road, the red headed temptress laughing manically. Horns blazing and cars all over the road. I wasn't the only one looking.

We pulled into a short entrance that led to a place called the circle, where La-M slung speed. Delilah threw the car into second and stomped it. We screamed around the circle Delilah hanging out the window yelling.

"You bunch of tweekin' bastards! Rip off motherfuckers!"

I sank low into the seat and waited for lead to fly, the cholos were running like cattle in a roundup as far from the road as possible, into the shadows.

"Motherfuckers" Delilah screamed one last time as we exited the circle and hit the first road to the right. I knew then, I was riding with the bitch from hell!

"There it is!" Delilah yelled. A Hummer sat on the curb in front of a house where there looked to be a party raging. Techno music filled the air at glass breaking volumes. Grinding silouhettes could be seen through the picture window.

"Delilah! There's too many sons-of-a-bitches here to fuck with!"

"Fuck 'em" she laughed as she pulled up on the blind side of the hummer.

"Don't pay Delilah, motherfucker don't ride" she said as she jumped out unsheathing a ten inch deer skinner. In one quick move she slashed all four tires, they died with a scream. As she worked the blade, cigarette hanging, squatting on those platform heels, she was, in one word, beautiful. She jumped back in, just as I heard...

"Hey!" someone yelled from the house.

Delilah hit the gas and we sped off into the humid Georgia night, taking the highway again at supersonic speeds. Feindflug's "AK-47" roaring from the CD player. I was so nervous I felt a heart attack coming on, I kept looking back expecting to see Pablo and the boys coming for blood.

About the Adairsville exit I settled down. Didn't cost me four expensive tires, just a twelve pack to ride later on that unforgettable evening. If you know what I mean.

;-)

Last I heard, Delilah was in jail............